Holy water breakthrough. Scientists have revealed that experimental work on holy water has uncovered a process whereby it is now possible to extract the ‘holy’ component as a pure element. The clear liquid with the working title of ‘Essence of Holy Water’ of EHW, has revealed some extremely powerful qualities, so much so that it can forgive sinners are great distance.
Sources in Rome has reported said the discovery demonstrates the Church’s close ties and support for science. This invention, EHW, is clearly at least as important a discovery as nuclear medicine and mobile phones.
The purified liquid is so potent, that sinners within a 5 kilometre radius found themselves completely forgiven for their sins without the onerous burden of having to present to the confessional.
Initial fears that the power of EHW was well, so powerful, it had many worrying commonalities with enriched uranium however further tests have discovered no ill affects from coming into contact with the concentrate.
The discovery may have enormous commercial potential and so several televangelists are said to be investing in distribution rights for the development and manufacture of EHW stills used in the distillation process.
Some televangelists feel there may be more profit in this venture than in selling the long standing, lucrative ‘anointing oil’.
Catholic sources have indicated they too are interested in adopting the new technology to reduce confession labour costs and the recently difficulty in attracting recruit priests and the expense of relocation of surplus priests from Nigeria. While admitting nothing is likely to challenge tithing and the collection plate for sheer profit volume, participating in the distribution may overtake ‘indulgences’ as one of the prime add-ons to their product line.
Leading Christian sources have gone so far as to claim that the essence of holy water is so powerful, atheists in close proximity have been converted while in the act of practicing their atheist religion.
For Christians especially, concerned with declining population growth in educated people, this will be a handy source of new recruits to shore up the defenses against rampant education.
In another case, reformed barmaid Cheryl (last name withheld) said that her story was a sad fall from grace but upon being exposed to the concentrated holy water, a transformation occurred within minutes and she felt ‘something almighty’ come into her which she describes as ‘holy ecstasy’ and ‘totally fulfilling’. Her new parish priest said that while the local practices were of a different complexion to Nigeria, Cheryl is certainly one of his favourite parishioners.
For the religious faithful, the new essence of holy water will indeed be a boost to the movement to halt the march of education and the inroads it has been making against the true believers.